It sounds strange that exciting things should be painful: don’t we dread the mundanity of the same dinners at the cafeteria, the same classes, the same dull routines? But mundanity is, at the same time, a blanket that keeps us comfortable, which keeps us safe. It’s a push and pull, kind of like when it’s time to get out of bed and start the day, but it’s so soft you never want to leave.
To study abroad in Rome is sort of like a 6.8-magnitude earthquake that sends me flying straight out of my safe space in bed.
Studying in Rome is going to be awesome — I mean, that’s why I’m here, writing this — but it also means not being surrounded by my friends and family, my favorite poke and acai bowl shops, my dorm room in California I’ve dreadfully come to love. My blanket. There’s a lot of uncertainty, and uncertainty means anxiety, which can lead to fear, guilt, shame… basically, an average day in middle school… yikes. Thank goodness that’s over.
Thinking back on the big transitions I’ve had, like from middle school to high school, even to college, and many smaller experiences like starting to drive, or learning the guitar, there were always days I just wanted to be sucked into the void of my bed, how impossible it felt to kick off the blanket and deal with that cold douse of doubt I feel now.
The view from my bedroom window at home in Oahu, Hawaiʻi.
But I woke up, I’m here, I did it. So, I know from experience I can get out of that blanket state and that it’s ultimately worth it. The more schools I went to, the more amazing people I met, where, coming from a small Catholic middle school, I couldn’t have dreamed of having such similar passions and aspirations as me. The more I could drive, the more I could visit my grandparents and connect with the places and traditions we’ve grown up with on our island of Oahu, Hawaiʻi.
It will be worth it to release the safety of what I know to gain new experiences that make my world bigger and that much fuller of love and valuable lessons. But I’m tired… the blanket is up to my chin… and it’s just so nice and warm… sometimes just the excitement of what will come isn’t enough to get me up and at it. At times, I need someone else to remind me how awesome it’s going to be, whether they’re shouting in my ear to get me up, a simple text, or even just remembering an encouraging conversation so I don’t focus on what I’m afraid of. The Temple Rome team has been very supportive by providing their enthusiasm, time, and resources such as the Essentials to Maximize your Experience (EME) Canvas module that lets you know what life will be like to minimize any unexpected stressors.
Aunty Sharon’s farewell card.
At other times, I need to remind myself that fear and anxiety are normal for me and that I know from past experience they’re only temporary. I always look through old photographs and journal entries to recall what I was feeling, how I handled the situation, and to see what I can learn from it. Recording how I feel is crucial to staying true to myself and understanding how Rome is affecting me.
One way I want to stay true to myself is I want to be considerate with how I interact with locals, where I live, and respect their rules and customs. Coming from Honolulu, we have our own complicated relationship with tourism that supports my family yet damages the land and oceans we grew up with. And although I want my perspectives and worldliness to grow, I also don’t want to forget the values of where I’ve come from, the people and places that made me who I am. Everything I love from home will, in that way, stay with me – it’s a warmth that comes from the inside, not from what surrounds me.
Journaling with a close friend.
These reflections will also help me focus on what I’m passionate about, like understanding Italian culture, since I know I benefit from understanding my own, or my Catholic faith, what that all means to me. The initial embarrassment and frustrations when I study abroad may be painful, but I have confidence in myself and the strategies I’ve gained to acknowledge it and push it off, as if it were just a blanket.
There’s so much amazing stuff to discover about yourself, lessons to learn, and a whole world to explore out in Rome, or any of the places abroad you could dream of – and I hope to see you there!
Awesome job Ari ! You’ve grown. I much in the last two years! I still have my blanket wrapped around me…. Maybe I can throw it aside! Not too late yah?
Miss you! Uncle Wane