When I signed up to come to Rome for the Spring semester, I was excited and ready to learn! I mean, that’s why I’m at school in the first place, right? I expected to go to class, learn new things, and then be given tests to make sure I’ve actually learned said things. However, what I did not expect while studying in Rome was to be thrown feet first into an intensive, experiential course where I have been forced to learn more about— myself, and to be tested as rigorously as I have been.
As I write this, it feels almost silly to say aloud. Yes, I’m in school, but even if I wasn’t, I’d still be out and about in the world living my life, which comes with its own unique set of lessons and tests. So why am I surprised? Maybe because this is my second time doing the whole ‘college thing’ so I thought this time would be easier. Part of me (…a very large part) romanticized the idea of coming to Italy, thinking it would feel just like taking a long, extended vacation with a little school mixed in. At least, that’s what I was secretly hoping it would be. But… it hasn’t been.
You see, my grandmother was born and raised in Italy before moving to the United States. While I was growing up, she and I were inseparable. She would tell me stories about Italy, usually while making me something to eat (because- of course!) and I would dream of the day when she and I would get to visit together. Unfortunately, that never happened. She became ill and passed away in 2005. This is my first time not only traveling abroad, but finally traveling to Italy… and it has been much more challenging than I anticipated, and not at all like what I expected.
When I started packing for this trip, I tried to be practical. I packed a couple of cute pieces but mainly chose comfortable shoes and loose fitting clothing since I knew I’d be walking a lot. I’m also an art student, so I made sure to pack extra casual clothes that if I got paint or ink on them (which I usually do) it wouldn’t be a big deal. Everything I brought was something that I would have felt completely comfortable wearing in Philadelphia and wouldn’t have given it a second thought. But here… sometimes I don’t even want to leave my Airbnb because of what I’m wearing. For me, it’s painfully obvious that I don’t fit in. Each time I walk around the city, I feel like I took a wrong turn and wandered into an Italian fashion show, and I’m impatiently waiting for someone to kindly escort me back out into the real world.
Logically, I know that clothes are just things, and that things don’t define me. I’ve never been the type of person who has needed designer clothes, luxury handbags, expensive jewelry, or even the latest technology. I grew up poor, and also spent a few years in the military, so I’ve learned to be content with just having the basics. So why then, has coming to Italy seem to have turned my world upside down?
I think it’s because for most of my life I thought of Italy as a second home. A place where I belonged, if only I could afford to get there. I always assumed I’d be welcomed here with open arms and that visiting would fill a missing piece within me. Whenever I meet a fellow Italian American in the U.S., there’s an instant connection between us, a sense of understanding, a recognition of our similarities. Many of my family’s traditions are based on our Italian heritage. A lot of my mannerisms, like talking with my hands or speaking loudly when I’m with my family and friends, are common characteristics of being Italian. But in Italy- all I am is American.
I’ve never experienced this feeling before… of being somewhere I feel like I don’t belong, and also not being able to leave. To be clear, I was never “one of the popular kids” growing up so not fitting in is nothing new for me, but this is completely different! And until coming to Rome, I had no idea that there’s a specific term used for this type of experience: diaspora.
Diaspora refers to a group of people who identify with a culture or geographic location, but are currently residing elsewhere. Now, thanks to learning about what it means to live in a diaspora, the way I look at emigrants and expats now living in America has forever changed.
[End Part 1. Click to continue.]